Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'M NOT HAPPY (if you're my friend, please read)

"All I want in life is to be happy (happy)
It seems funny to me.
How fucked things can be.
Every time I get ahead,
I feel more dead."

All I want to be is happy, I’m not asking for much.  I guess, though, I don’t know what happy is.  I couldn’t tell you the last time I was truly happy.  I wish I could, but I can’t.  It’s always been one thing or another:  Too fat, no girl, I work too much, I don’t get paid enough…something.  No matter how hard I try to fix things, I am still not happy…maybe the more I try to fix things, the even less happy I become, everything I do is a giant step back and into a giant void of suck.  I’m stuck and I can’t get out. 

I want a job that I like, that doesn’t suck the life out of me.  The current job I have, does.  I’ve been doing food management for over 3 years now, and it has consumed me.  For some reason, the powers that be feel I must be there 24/7.  I must work all of these hours, and never receive an ounce of gratitude.  (A “thank you” would go a long way).  For my close friends, you know, I’m always at work.  Do I enjoy it?  Not at all.  I work to live, not live to work.  I’ve always felt that my hard work and paying my dues would net me a promotion, but it just means that they know you will work, and they will use you for it, to help their bottom line.  I was unhappy at my old unit; because I was not happy I was going anywhere, that I was stuck there.  I knew I had to go elsewhere to get promoted, so that’s what I did.  At the time, I felt moving was the answer.  It was the answer alright…the wrong answer.  Now I work even more.  The 2 friends I have up here, I’ve hung out with them only 3 times.  The rest of the time I’m pulling a minimum of 70 hours a week, working for the man.  I use what little time I have to run, so that leaves me no time to have any sort of social life.  Hell or even time to do laundry or to get a haircut.  The job is sucking what little soul I have left right out of me. 

I wasn’t happy being overweight.  I was everyone’s friend though, I did have a social life, but I wasn’t happy.  The women loved me…but like always, never in love with me.  I mean, hell, who’d want to be in love with a giant fat slob of a man?  I know I wouldn’t.  So now for the past year and a half I have worked my tail off to get fit.  Even though I don’t feel fit, I know I look so much better than I previously did.  But since all my free time is spent at the gym training, and to not gain any weight back, I don’t have a social life; therefore, I can’t meet anyone.  But it doesn’t matter anyway, for being fat so long, my confidence is completely shot.  For being an outspoken in public, I sure am deathly afraid to talk to women.  Couldn’t tell you the last time I was on a date, I think maybe I forgot how to date?  Yeah, probably have.  But seriously though, I have talked to a few females while up here in Clinton, but it’s always the same, they stop talking to me because I all I do is work, and that I don’t have time for them.  I can’t fault them, they are factually correct.  I do want make time for them, but I also don’t want to be jobless…such a stupid vicious circle.  Even though I shouldn’t be, I am envious of all of my friends who have found someone.  Everyone says that there’s someone for me, and that it will happen when it happens.  But you know who tells me that?  People who are already in loving relationships……go figure. 

I’ve said it already, and I will say it again.  I am not happy.  I am going to keep searching for it until I am.  I do think that a career change is in order.  I’ve given my life to this company for the past 3 years, and it hasn’t given me anything in return besides loneliness, loathing, and regret.  Continuing down this path will just lead to more pain and loneliness, can’t do it anymore.  Do I know what I’ll do?  No clue…but I’m willing to find out. 

Yes, there is some happiness in my life, and I just want to get back to it.  You know what makes me happy?  You.  You’ve read this far, that means you do care about me, and for that, I love you. 
My friends and family, they make me happy.  I want to get back to you.  I want a job that allows me time to see you, to do stuff with you, to laugh with you, to say “that’s what she said” with.  I’ve tried this experiment called Clinton, IA.  I’m not calling it a complete failure; I have learned things from this, but this I know.  I want to get back to the people that do make me happy.  If anyone hears of any job openings, let me know.  I’m all ears. 

And if you did read all of this, thank you.  You have no idea what it means to me.  No, this is not a cry for help.  I just want to use this format to express my feelings to you all, because I know I haven’t in a long time, and I wanted to share all of this before it ever got close to a cry for help.